I NEED SEX and She Doesn’t Want It!
What’s going on when your sex drive is ridiculously high and hers isn’t. For the flip side of that please stay tuned for the upcoming article: Why doesn’t he want me? in this article I am only addressing one of these patterns but many have dynamics that become easily understood once you have an understanding of polarities of attraction in relationship(s).
I’m going to ask you some questions because as mentioned above this stuff shows up in a lot of different patterns. If you are reading this because of the title then we can assume that you are a man and probably have a sex drive that you are at least questioning if maybe perhaps it’s a bit too high? the question you might be asking is are you normal? Is she normal having one that is so low? Or maybe you are the woman in this equation and you’ve wondered the same thing except from the other side. Although both can learn from this understanding for the sake of simplicity this article is speaking to the male in this equation and if we haven’t described you here then this article probably doesn’t portend to you. Read on and discover for yourself and if it doesn’t resonate then throw it away. If it does then stay tuned for recommendations on how to shift this particular manifestation of masculine/feminine polarity.
So, first disclaimer, sex drives do come in all shapes and sizes within normal capacity so chances are you’re just fine, unless: The real question is, are you suffering? Does it feel like you absolutely have to have sex in order to feel ok? Here’s a better way to put it, when you don’t have sex (of some sort; which includes porn consumption) does it feel like you are a rat in a cage trying to get out? Or “in” as the description of having sexual intercourse or activity may insinuate? Can you mindfully inquire and ask yourself the question is sex one of my largest comfort mechanisms? The numbers on porn consumption alone for both men and women correlate this to be true for many. For others this may jointly or separately include food, alcohol, prescription or recreational drugs, or many other aspects of co-dependent or unhealthy relationships just to name a few. While these are paths we can assist with also, this article directly discusses this particular pattern.
What we are examining here is the relationship between suffering (also quantified as a need for comfort), and whether or not your comfort or coping mechanisms are sustainable within a relationship. Are they healthy coping mechanisms? Here are some questions to find out:
If you initiate sex and she turns you down (or) perhaps she does agree to sex but you can feel that she is less than enthusiastic, what then is more important in that moment to you? The understanding and process of protecting her heart, her actual desires? This can include her not currently wanting sex (or) do YOU prioritize YOUR current perceptual need for sex more times than not?
If the answer is the latter then my friend there’s a good chance you may not merely be a selfish guy, you might actually have unresolved past mental, emotional, or even physical trauma. It comes in all shapes and sizes. The good news is that if you actually discover, address and process that mental, emotional, or physical trauma affecting your need for comfort then that insane need for sex will dissipate into a heathy and normal biological desire. It will literally shift within the way it is held in the (ANS) Autonomic Nervous System. So, ask yourself a question, do you only want a woman that fulfills your insane need for comfort where sex is a coping mechanism for the restlessness of your soul (or) do you want the fairytale where the connection between you and your mate is an incredible authentic passionate trusting connection? If you want the latter and you are struggling to get there, then you have to heal your neediness.
A NEEDY MAN is not a safe place for authentic feminine energy and let me tell ya brother what you are really wanting deep down in your soul is an authentic woman free in her feminine energy. There’s just not much that is attractive about a needy man, I mean she might like the packaging but eventually she is going to smell the wounded rot at the core and even if she is Florence Nightingale, that feminine heart will suffer the cage of male victimhood only so long. So that intuition you have that she might be surrendering to sex instead of actual desire may be spot on, unless she also is escaping into sexual activity instead of authentic connection. But instead of fantasizing about her changing or the possibility of finding a woman that fulfills your neediness, the path to being an authentic man with irresistible passion and authentic connection to your woman is healing the wounds of the past. Your wounds.
What I have seen as a counselor and a relationship transformation coach usually are childhood or relationship wounds of trust that shifted the man’s core energy away from being the owner of the mountain of authentic male energy to a victim of the heart. Frequently these occurred prior to ever entering the current relationship. There is a big difference between being an owner of your life and a victim. They have two different energies that radiate frequencies of relationship patterns that attract what they need. If healthy, it attracts a healthy polarity. If unhealthy it attracts the pain that you need to guide you to the wound. So the theory here although subjective has rang true more times than not, is that we are attracted to our mates because they give us the best chance at healing our childhood wounds. They do that normally by triggering every damn one of them in some way. Sorry, but often true.
If you are interested in how these patterns of masculine and feminine energy not only manifest but more importantly how to heal the wounds, melt these patterns and flow back into our core selves then please either apply for a Deep Dive consultation (or) you are welcome to join our mailing list and watch for future articles expanding on this and similar topics.