A Word on Infidelty
Infidelity is not a reason to break up. It is a symptom of a relationship that has become dysfunctional and needs maintenance. In my time as a relationship transformation coach I have found when working with couples that have experienced infidelity that repeatedly such an event can actually be a catylst that assists the couple in discovering a breadth and depth of relationship that without would not occur. If you can see the blessing in that you’ve just graduated into a different way of understanding the art of happiness in life. The question then becomes how do you rapidly shift states of being from betrayal to blessing? It is most definitely a process, but one that does not have to take as long as most think.
In a grand larger view of life, I like the comparison of wine drinking. Most wine drinkers begin with the really really sweet and they can’t really handle anything more complex. But as their palate develops they begin to appreciate more and more dry and even some bitter flavors. Coffee drinking can be a similar evolution. Please don’t feel that I am in someway saying people must get used to feeling the pain of betrayal, in fact just the opposite. The body keeps score and I want to really point people in the direction of how to process truma (i.e. complete a cycle of ANS trauma upregulation) in such a way so that the body is no longer holding that density of emotional pain.
Make no mistake, infidelity has been compared to be second only to the loss of a child when examining the underlying pain present. Frequently this is because the identity we were previously attached to has been ripped away and it feels as if there is no longer the same solid ground underneath you. There are many understanable and predictable patterns that come with this type of emotional wound. The good news is that Somatic processing has come a long way in the science of rapid healing. You do not have to continue to suffer with emotional pain if you can work with someone to facilitate processing of same. Please look at our previous blogs to discover methods of doing same. Processing how the body is holding our story is a key activation area frequently yields more fruit than just cognitive examination.
Back to the dynamics of our relationships, an infidelity is actually pointing to the dysfunction present in communication and in the way our human needs are currently being filled. In the psychology of human needs we learn that all of us are going to fill those six human needs (certainty, uncertainty, significance, connection/love, growth, contribution outside outselves). The question is are we doing so (filling those needs) negatively or positively? When three of more of our human needs are filled negatively at an 8 or 9 out of ten, that thought, a behavior, or action becomes an addiction. Relationship transformation coaching can be really adept at taking these patterns and presenting them with some space so you can truly see how you are currently getting your needs filled in such a way as to present real cross roads of choice on how to replace negative need filling with positive. There are so many aspects of relationship that follow cycles and when you can truly see those cycles, the why we do what we do becomes pretty clear. It is this process of awareness, acknowledgement, and acceptance of same that organically moves us from dicovery into transformation. in those patterns, one that is really helpful to understand is that we are actually energetically attracted to our relationships because they give us the best chances of healing our past emotional wounds (sometimes from childhood, sometimes relationship). They do that……by triggering every single one of those wounds. Take a moment to read the last two sentences again.
When you understand that this is coming for everyone in every relationship, that complimentary wounds is an accurate predictor of the how and why in relatioships, then you can use that information proactively. How do we do that? it is in the awareness, acknowledgement, and acceptance that PAIN is actually a guide that will lead us to healing the way we are currently holding our reality. If there is emotional PAIN, that is our different energetic intelligences communicating to us that something needs healed. What is it that needs healed? Well in every situation it is some resistance to life that we hold in our story of life. If and when you can shift the resistance we are holding to let go, then the energy we were using to resist we get to reclaim and then use to create the life we want as opposed to the one we have been resisting. For more information on how to do this, apply for a deep dive session.