Heal the Boy, the Man Steps Up
As a trained therapist and transformation coach I didn’t expect what happened next. A common tale in the psychology industry is the story of the wounded healer. Many if not all of my fellow therapists come from stories of trauma. It is a frequent occurring for most of us to want to save others via the method we are selves were saved. The irony here is the massive amounts of layers that go undiscovered because so many rationalize though cognitive understandings a way to hold their pain without actually processing the physical internal systems holding on within our autonomic nervous system reactions. There is a difference between the language of the mind and the language of the body with the latter being a key perspective necessary for processing unresolved trauma. it doesn’t matter what you think, it matters what you feel.
My coach didn’t allow me to go where I had gone before, which was down the rabbit hole of forgiveness. From my Catholicism days to the Dali Lama, I had heard the virtues of forgiveness and for me it was a story I had told myself for as long as I could remember, that I had forgiven the monsters of my childhood. With that rationalization I had patted myself on the back storing that pain off to the side and away from my daily consciousness. Buried Deep. What I didn’t realize is that the man that I was could rationalize everything but the boy couldn’t. It wasn’t forgiveness that the boy needed even though that is what the man had convinced himself to pursue over and over and over again. There is also a difference between storing and hiding away the pain where it waits for the least little trigger to activate it again and ACTUALLY melting the pain through down regulating the charge it still held in the body.
You know what it was that the boy needed?
He needed RAGE!
It took some time for my Coach to push me beyond and outside of my comfort zone. Through trial and error we tested breath, movement, energy, sound, all types of potential and possible frequencies of awareness as I finally got serious about having a conversation with the felt sense of my body. When I finally allowed myself to listen to the story being kept inside my body….it happened…….I raged!
I fucking raged!
In fact I remember being mad because I couldn’t rage any louder and even began losing my voice as I snotted and coughed and basically threw up spiritual baggage through a lion’s roar I had been holding onto for years.
“Fuck you! how dare you do that to me! A child! What the holy hell was wrong with you?”
Through the presence and encouragement of my coach I kept the gas on the pedal of my awareness of the how and where I had been holding this within my body. It sounded like a demon was releasing hell itself, I yelled, I cried, I screamed. Something in side shifted and for the first time in as long as I could remember I felt free. Really truly let it go FREE!
Rage was the key to melting the protective mask I had been implementing unconsciously for years and allowed the authentic masculinity that I actually was to emerge like a raw naked mountain.
It takes no effort to be what we actually are, but we get so conditioned to holding onto our blocks and layers of protection we don’t even realize what freedom truly feels like because our self imposed conditioned bondage is so familiar. Well I know now. A lightness, a freshness of the chest, a peace in my center I didn’t even know was possible! I found the bottom of my soul and was surprised to learn there was a foundation there and that I was the mountain.
For more information about melting into the freedom of your authenticity visit: www.scottaustinmartin.com
