Understanding Complimentary Wounds in Romantic Relationships
Ever wonder why you were attracted to your romantic companion? I mean in all the individuals in the world, what made the synergy or connection in your relationship work in the beginning? and why does that shift and become so challenged as a relationship progresses? One of the most fascinating areas I’ve lived through and had the fortune to experience, observe, and study in years of working with clients is that we are drawn to those that give us the best chance of healing our past generational, childhood, and/or past relationship emotional wounds/traumas. They do that, by triggering every single one of those wounds at some point. Read that again 🙂
I would even be so bold as to say that dynamic occurs in every single relationship to some degree and is only mitigated by the couple’s strengths of presence, coping mechanisms, and ability to recover and if you know that’s coming for you, then you can be prepared to use the amazing information such perspective can bring. You see PAIN is a guide, but only always. PAIN, as opposed to suffering (which is a choice) is pointing to something saying, this needs attention. If you have the presence to pay attention to the wisdom inherit in PAIN, you can use that wisdom to go internal and actually rapidly HEAL what the PAIN is pointing to.
One of the challenges is that so many people use what I call EXTERNAL COPING MECHANISMS such as (Projection and Avoidance).Projectionis where we say “it’s not me it’s you”, or “it’s not me, it’s pretty much anything else“. Projection is one of the most successful short term coping mechanisms because it makes things not our fault. Isn’t that great? It is also not sustainable because it pretty much predictably trashes all your relationships at some point. The number one person in our lives it is most common for us to project onto? Yep, you guessed it, our spouses or romantic partners. Personally I think it’s just convenience of vicinity, which by the way is also the number one contributing factor to people falling in love….simply being near each other. Avoidance by contrast is where we either physically check out by leaving, or we mentally or emotionally check out. Again it’s a very effective short term external coping mechanism but it only treats the symptoms NOT the cause.
True Relationship transformation stems not from continuing short term non sustainable external coping mechanisms, but through actual growth where we stop go inside seeking and learning INTERNAL COPING MECHANISMS, and by doing so we begin to take responsibility for what we are creating within our relationships. You can pretty much guarantee that she is going to play out her Mommy/Daddy issues with him and in that same vein he is going play out his mommy/daddy issues with her. If you know that is coming for you, wouldn’t it be nice to know HOW to use the PAIN that naturally is going to arise from these situations and then use that wisdom? But comfort and growth are NOT friends and unfortunately the brain does what it is trained/conditioned to do and many/most don’t break their patterns until they bring awareness, acknowledgement, and acceptance of the pattern into their consciousness. This is where accountability and having a guide can be the game changer and frequently necessary for the change we so desire, especially when these patterns have been deeply subconsciously held through generations or a lifetime of conditioning.
As a mindfulness instructor, a somatic trauma therapist, and a relationship transformation coach, I use the pillars of (practicing presence), (dissolving generational, childhood, and past relationship trauma) through many forms of somatic processing (body based), and science based relationship patterns of strategy to deconstruct what doesn’t work, condition a system to function more presently, and then learn to drive that system in the most effective way with what works, knowing what doesn’t work, and what’s next to create a relationship of authenticity and integrity. A soul to soul relationship. For men that means healing the needy little boy and reclaiming our external mountain of masculine energy that learns how to step into protection, providing, and engaging in presence in a way that creates true trust, and therefore real passion and intimacy. For women, it means learning how to connect to themselves internally instead giving so much externally in a way that reintroduces them to the playful girl that’s been hiding behind their hearts for so long!
If you’re interested in how this can work for you whether you’re single trying to figure out why you attract the same types of relationships (or) any stage of marriage attempting to figure out how to create true passion, intimacy, and trust then apply for a deep dive session to find out how we can work together. I can’t wait to show you what’s possible. Stay tuned for more helpful articles of understanding how to create FLOW and an energy rich living in all areas of our life!